Once there was this real special feller, named Earl from Virginia and boy did he love Nascar and calling them long distance numbers where he’d pay $4 a minute and them women would talk real sexy like to him. His favorite part was when they asked him what color socks and drawers he was wearin. Even though these real pretty talken ladies couldn’t see him, he’d put in his fake teeth that made him feel like a youngen.
Ever time the phone bill came, his wife Ruby (who was a real hot number herself) would raise all the hell she could and told him that she would hide his cigarette’s and those nasty magazines he would look at while he was dropping the grandkids off in the pool.
They was always into it over sumptin, his ass never had a job so he couldn’t nary get no social security so they mostly depended on the money Ruby made from prancing up and down the main drag in town wearing a tight pink and green bunny outfit that she made from one of her granny bed dresses. On a good night, Ruby could usually make a handful of cash and if she was real lucky, she’d come across a John who’d have to trade food for her services cause he was broke.
So, she started getting a bit to chunky to fit in her already plus size bunny foofoo and so she decided she would have to change her look to something more sophisticated like but she didn’t have a clue what she would do cause all she ever knew was moomoo dresses and housecoats and them fancy tank tops you buy down at the Walgreens. She thought she was dressed up when she’d put on something without any holes, underarm pit stains, grease stains or hair dye stains. Hell, if she had on a new pair of Dixie Bell bloomers and her dingy lunch lady bra with 4 clasps on the back she though she was uptown.
She thought that if she’d paint on some of that real nice hot pick sparkle lib balm to make her lips more luscious and maybe a splash or two of that Exclamation perfume she’d been wearing since high school that a real looker would flag for her down to jump in his truck. Sometimes if she was in the mood she would even get some q-tips and clean her grunge in between her toes. She decided she’d find her some banana clips for her hair she thought that would look real nice with the stirrup pants she found that had some glow in the dark paint splashes on them, plus that would make her stand out in the dark on the streets cause you just never knew when someone was gonna try and jump you from out behind a dumpster.
Ruby always carried a homemade shank up and under her banana clip – just in case. She could hide it real good cause her hair was teased to the max, her bangs was teased about as high as high as she could get them. They looked real nice like an ocean wave she thought. She’d always curl her eyelashes up too….curl them high as Heaven cause that made them look real dramatic when she had to flutter them real hard so her johns would give her a little extry cash on account of they thought she was purty that day. Heck far she’d even draw on that turquoise sparkle eye liner and make it real thick so that your curled eyelashes would stick out even more. When she could get her hands on it she liked to use her some wet & wild blue mascara too, it was hard to find she reckoned it was so popular that why they didn’t nary carry it at a lot of stores anymore but sometimes she’d luck up and come across a couple tubes down at the flea market or the Save Lots store.
Earl didn’t like it when she teased her hair up like that and painted on that special turquoise sparkle stuff cause he thought she looked too easy to the fellows. She set his ass straight real quick and told him to shut the hell up cauz it paid the damn bills. Earl didn’t take too kindly to Ruby back sassing him and ever since that time he beat her with his shit kickers for back sassing him a while back, Ruby really hadn’t been right since.