Entries tagged with “Dandy Ass Car Deals”.


Now that Mable was back she was full of ideas for their new endevor, she had done seen on the you tube that you could wrap trout and other types of road kill in aluminum foil and cook them on the radiator so she allowed it was time to get out the sawed off shotgun and go out on a groundhawg hunt!

Mable done already knowed how to groundhawg hunt so she’s thinken this is going to be a sinch. Things were going good at D.A.C.D. until someone drove in with half of a car they had just done bought from Crayg – the other part fell off in the holler. Apparently superglue don’t hold too good on metal. Crayg was about to shit himself when Maynard came up with a plan: they was gonna take some of Mable’s groundhawg & skunk gravy that next morning and use that to piece that hunk o shit back together.

Mable liked to claim her groundhawg & skunk gravy was right up there with her homemade ‘shine when it came to cooking up a mess of shit to eat, but that gravy usually turnt out so thick TanNeyNey would hafta sneak in the kitchen when Mable weren’t lookin and throw some water on that gravy – just like they always did when company was comin’.

So the next morning when Mable cooked up her some fried Spam sammiches loaded with mayo and a quart of prune juice (to loosen up the good ol stoole) she commenced to gettin her ass in gear to make the gravy to try and piece the car together cause they’d be out about $30 big ones if they didn’t fix the car dumb ass Crayg tried to superglue so Mable took all four of her teeth out and tightened up her girdle and stirred that gravy like she was tryin to win a prize.

She allowed the sooner she got that gravy stirred up and that pack of gloutanneous hogs she calls family set down to eat, the sooner they’d get the hell on out of there. So they headed out the house and got down to the median where they had been sellin the hoopty cars and ripping folks off. When they got there Rafael from the city was there and told them that the median was city property and you just couldn’t sell shit from the median, they was beside themselves cause they knew them millions of dollars they was gonna make was comin to an end yet again. So, Maynard E. done got fired up pissed off and commenced to hollering about Slicklizzard, Ala could kiss his hairy red pimpled cottage cheese looking ass goodbye. They packed up all their carnie stuff tied all they cars to the carnie trailers with a rope and rode they asses out of Slicklizzard, Ala with their middle fingers a flyin. But they all still have that gleam in their eyes about their next business plan or it could have been where they smoked a bunch of pot before, who knows.

Crayg and TanNeyNey was beside themselves wantin to join Pralene’s new family adventure so Crayg tolt TanNeyNey to pack up all hers and Mable’s flamingo decorations and shit in the carnie trailer and hit the road, hoping to run into Mable at some point.

Praline’s family decided to name the car lot Dandy Ass Car Deals and let Uncle Maynard E. be their spokesperson. They thought he was best suited to represent the family and Dandy Ass Car Deals on the TV and such since he was the real looker in the family, seeing that he had flannel shirts without holes and two front teeth so that he could pernounce words right.

They were just starting on rebuilding their junk yard cars and didn’t have alot of material to work with, they allowed they would just use some AquaNet Hairspray and a lighter if suptin need to be welded and if that didn’t get the job done, they’d pull out a big ass roll of duct tape, scrunchies and jelly bracelets to keep the oil filter and stuff like that in place. Now if they be missin a seat in the junk car then they’d fix it up with an old lawn chair they had from the carnie and then duct tape a decorative pillow to it for that nice cushiony feel, that made it look like something out of a Martha Stewart catalog that had done been haggled over at 40-11 yard sales and Maynard E. felt real proud to get up on the TV and tell people to carry their asses on down to the D.A.C.D. lot and take them a test drive in the 1968 Chevy Chevelle with bedazzeled back seats and a bike tire hooked to the back with a clothes hanger just incase they were to pickup a fat ass chick on her way to Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Then he had a famous catch phrase right at the end of his commerical that said “hell folks come on down by 5:00 today and get a free bag of powdered donuts & a complimentary foot rub from cousin TanNeyNey & aunt Mable.” That Mable done seen that Maynard of hers on the TV set and found her way to Slicklizzard, Ala.

The day that Mable came to D.A.C.D and made up with TanNeyNey, Maynard gave free foot rubs to everyone that test drove one of em cars and actually came back alive.