Outhouse Diaries

Turns out the Dancin’ Outlaw won with his lucky dried pig balls and his real nice smellen wife named Ethel May that loved her some black mascara and hair so black it looked blue, she used shoe polish to touch up the roots when the funds got low and stayed at the Red Carpet Inn down yonder with such and such to work for money. She often stayed with a feller that was a Cross eyed Butcher & his cackling hen but her husband didn’t know otherwise, that butcher liked to crack that banjo of his while he would play the fettle , this really played a number on Ethel May cause she was a sucker for cross eyed men, she say it was mysterious how it looked like they eyes was trying to escape from their heads.

TanNeyNey and Mable realized after the restaurant was wheeled off that they would have to sell “Soiled Bloomers” and look for the nearest dump site. After they sold “Soiled Bloomers” they decided to take their experience and join the carnival and become travelin’ carnies and sleep with all the clowns under the mary-go-round. Mable was so happy to relive her whorish days she went to the Dollar General and bought every pair of Dixie Belle drawers she could get her hands on, along with some wax strips, shavers, scissors, Sure deodorant and some band aides to put over her nipples so they didn’t poke through her 1993 silk blouse she wore with her tight rolled jeans. Mable and TanNeyNey set up their brothel/shop in a carnie-issued camper, complete with rooster curtains and green shag carpet they figured they could get a lot of decent clients that only come for the fresh corn dogs and funnel cakes and if they were real lucky, they could sell some of those fancy deep fried oreos along with deep fried turkey legs, which were to die for people’d say. The only customers for awhile were the carnie operators and they paid Mable an TanNeyNey with ride tickets and foot rubs. Sometimes, they’d even get out the pumice stone and saw on Mable’s old dry heels in exchange for one of them deep fried twinkies. Mable felt so darn special walking around with smooth feet that she asked them to fix her “lawn” all nice and neat. One clown said that when he mows his lawn his deck looks bigger. Mable sensing a sexual innuendo got really excited with the love sweats and commenced to dancing around to the sounds of her favorite Polka music CD to get all fired up for Gerald Lee Dean about 5 trailers over. She danced so much that she felt like she got tongue punched in the fart box.

Mable found a way to make a quick buck by making novelty balloon dildo’s, she sold them to all the women that would come dragging their half -dead looking husbands with them to the carnival, on account of Mable figured they needed them one of those balloons pretty bad to lift their spirits up. TanNeyNey even learnt the men how to use beaded necklaces in a creative way when they women wouldn’t put out.

TanNeyNey was moving under the bridge at I-29 cauz she burnt the public  housing down and she allowed she could use a break on her rent and so she could save up some cash for some Flarp (it’s what you get at the Dollar General and it makes fart noises when squished) and some double quilted toilet paper and she was going to set up a stand at the off ramp and make peoples names in calligraphy and sell it in high end art galleries down on State St. She glues the top dollar names on yellow Styrofoam plates using fine point Sharpies she took from Tommy while he was sleeping under the bridge that night he went on a crack bender with that girl that used to be a realtor but never sold a house and wore bright pink toenail polish which matched her lipstick and walked like she had a cobb up her Oprah sized butt with a shawl for the only 3 outfits she had, and would put on a show every time she had to walk in her damn high heels.

Darnell be liken some TanNeyNey he say they going to move into the Econo Lodge and raise a soccer team full of chirren and have a TV Program on the Life Time Network called: Our American Tax Dollars at Work to raise your Chirren. So TanNeyNey had nice child bearing hips sh tried getting rid of the m but got kicked out of Weight Watchers because she kept sneaking out at night to eat pie down at Perkins and then have half a box of double stuffed Oreos and some whole milk right before whe went to bed. She claims this routine is good for her complexion but her friend Tommy allows this might lead to some belly overlaying the jean in the mid section. She don’t care though… one day she’s gonna be a star? She’s gonna go on that TV Show called “Have You Ever Got Tongue Punched in the Fart Box?” She definitely has. You can tell by the way she walks with that weird twitch and how she ninja boots her pants.

But one day she was looking at the People of WalMart photos and got an idea to change her hair and start wearing tank tops with skirts and no bra at all just letting those babies hang in the wind while singing a Kansas song. “Dust in the Wind” always was her favorite. It reminded her of the good ol’ days when her mama would fry some chitlens and bull gizzards with beet juice in a gallon of oil. Then they would all get in a watermelon seed spittin’ contest and dance around to Kenny Rogers’ Greatest Hits. Her favorite song there was The Gambler. It made her feel like a Gem. Also another one of her fav’s from Kenny is the song “Burned Treasures” because it reminded her of that time she had that shirt with the pretty butterflies on it and she dropped her cigarette on it and caught it on fire. She learnt then and there that you hant supposed to let the cigarette ashes get all the way down to the cherry red lipstick smear before you shake it off. Up til then, she always wondered what her momma was talking about when she said “trailer park ash” dangling from your mouth. Usually, her momma would be stirring up a pitcher of kool-aid, just singing away to some classic Willie Nelson song, all the while having that Virginia Slim just dangling from hermouth with a 3-inch trailer park ash hangingoff the end. That brought her back to the good ol’ days when her and her 3 step-sisters, 2 brothers and some cousins would get to camping down in the  holler in their Chevy truck with a real nice camper on it. They’d drink homemade shine and eat spam sammiches with some possum steaks cooked on the radiator. Now if they got real crazy and went all out then they’d fix them up some of those fancy smores TanNayNay was so proud of. She’d divvy them out amongst everyone, making sure to give herself the biggest piece of course.

After they had their fun they would go bathe in fishing hole to get all freshened up to get ready for the coon hunt.