Outhouse Diaries

TanNayNay prided herself on being the best coon hunter in all of West Virginia. She said she didn’t need no coon hound – she could smell a coon like a fart in a car. When a coon was spotted she’d stand at the bottom of the tree and piss on it so that it wouldn’t come down, and her mamaw would spit her Skoal out and take aim with her 12 gauge shot gun. Once mamaw took aim, that coon didn’t have a chanche. It fell strait out of the tree onto mamaw’s fish net hose that she made into a net. Them them two would sit around the gator skin table and skin the coon and make some good ol biscuits and coon gravy. Mamaw used to say it was good ol fashioned country cooking that keeps you alive and kickin. Being that she’s 110 years old and still modeling for the J Penney catalog, she can ware those orange lace bikini undies like a fat kid sucking on lettuce juice. The men nicknamed her ‘finger-licken good.’

She could really make the men go crazy when she’d ware those undies, holdin’ her shot gun with some baccer dripping off one side of her lip and a cigarette on the other. Sometimes, she’d really dress things up with a nice sequined tube top. She was bad to think she could wear this to church and find her a husband. But one day after the church homecoming a man with the shiniest gold tooth and his pressed bibbed overalls with the biggest beer gut that looked like two pigs wrestling under a cover caught her eye. The was thingen, “I sure would like to smack that ass and call him big daddy.”  So mamaw cooked up a plan… She was gonna cook that man up some vittles and a bit ol picture of her special iced tea (spiked with some of that home made ‘shine that TanNayNay’s friends make.)

Once she got ‘ol LeeRoy Johnston to the house and got him fat, drunk and happy, she got her pink scarf and staring dancing around the recliner where he was sitten while singing “My Humps.” She thought she was a good dancer, and she pranced around waving her scarf and trying to be seductive, licker her lips (freshly painted up with bubble gum pink lipstick ) and she felt like she was floating like a ballerina.. until her high heel got stuck in a whole in the floor and she feel right in his lap right about the mid section. Next thing you know, she done hit her head on LeeRoy’s pocket knife and knocked out her front tooth trying to catch herself with his zipper. Well that LeeRoy was such a catch that he had two extra gold tooth covers and gave one to her. She thought she was in heaven.  Now they had a matchen gold tooth. They then headed out to the Pigeon Forge to go get one of them top of the line spray painted tags to put in the back window that said “Mable + LeeRoy = True Love” and it had an airbrushed picture of an apple pie and a 8 point buck with a rebel flag around hits antlers. They also went to the Hill Billy market and got them a real nice picture and some licorice to share.  They went and bought them a leather vest with lots of chains on the zippers to match. Then they went on down to the Pancake Pantry for a celebration buffet breakfast… Mable was celebrating the fact that she done snagged her a husband (she was secretly hoping he had a big ass farm and an even bigger life insurance policy.) Well they went and got married at a drive by Church and had a Sunday from the McDonalds right beside the church.

He brought her to his homestead, there were piggies, chickens, geese, donkeys and some heifers just a runnen loose in the yard. The sign on the front porch said “Welcome to Gizzard Country.” Mable knew right quick that sign wasn’t gonna fit into her lifestyle. It was gonna need to be something fancier… something that would make all the neighbors jealous. She knew she couldn’t name it “the family hill” because her sister Ethel already had that sign at the end of her driveway. So Mabel decided right quick to change that sign to say ” The Tennessee Gravy Train.” And boy did her sister get her panties in a wod at that. Ethel only had 15 chickens so she couldn’t even touch LeeRoy’s yard farm. But Ethel did have some of those Flamingo lights on her front porch tied up with baggie ties. Looked real nice with the broken down lawn she had duct taped together withe a Yodeling green pickle on the off white table beside the chairs. She has a pet Chihuahua called Poncho that love to chase LeeRoy’s donkey’s around the outhouse until the donkey (Named Undelay) would commence to kicking and making that racked donkeys do and finally just get mad and shit on Poncho. So that ended that marriage real quick and that’s when Mable, TanNayNay and all the chillren moved to the Bronx so that she could grow up in a “nice” neighborhood.

TanNeyNey bought a meth pipe at the Hill Billy cause she had a hot date with Malcolm, which liked her ninja boots. Malcolm liked to ninja folks in the neighborhood especially when he was trying to drum up some bidness on the side selling some a dose neon knee highs. TanNeyNey like to wear dim knee highs wit some lime green spandex shorts and a sparkley sequined tube top dressed up with a mood ring from da quarter machine outside of dee Save-A-Lot discount food store. Malcolm came along ridin dirty to pick up TanNeyNey in his souped up Pintowagon wit puke green dirty shag carpet and some Wal-Mart Chrome covered plastic rims. Malcolm think he the bomb Dig Itty in dat car and whistles at all the girls through that gap in his gold toothed smile that he lost in a fight to win back LaRhonda Sue. LaRhonda Sue & TanNeyNey don’t get along, they be fightin all the time over Malcolm and which one of they babies he the better baby daddy to. One day on the corner of 5th Ave. them two decided they bein played so they ripped out the shag carpet out his car and lost about five pounds each in the back seat floorboards and smeared their toenail fungus on the steering wheel.

TanNeyNey allowed she could use the carpet in the bedroom of her house because she currently had glued down some newspaper for the dogs to piss on cause that’s how they do in in the the trailer lots and just pushes the shit to the corners so they won’t step in them.

She thought the green shag would give the room an outdoors look like she had done seen on HDTV. Sometimes when she’s feeling rich, she’ll stop by the Goodwill store and get a box of them plastic florescent wind chimes, and just duct tape the broken ones. Meanwhile LaRhonda Sue done felt like she got the shaft on the shag carpet and decided to steal the neighbor’s throw rugs off the clothesline along with those real nice granny undies from the Hanes Her Way cause she done greased all her others. LaRhonda Sue had uncontrollable gas pains and sometimes she’d burn out a real good shart especially when she has some two day old burritos that she left in Malcolm’s Pintowagon. Poor LaRhonda Sue couldn’t have no friends over her house because of all the ass grease stains. Plus nobody liked to come over because LaRhonda Sue was famous for pulling out her CD player and singing real loud and off-key to Ice Ice Baby and dancing around the only pole holding the roof up until one day when someone hollered, the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire so baby had back it up cauz TanNeyNey down caught the public housing on fire when she caught the shag carpet on firew with her meth lab which Dwayng sold her the Love Rose crack pipe so now all the folks will have to find public housing with the help of Barrack Obama and VA tax payers dollars and they will throw in some extra money for cigs and beer and some food stamps so they can take them to the swap meet in exchange for some roll on deodorant. Anyhow Dwayng and his chaing gang set up camp under the bridge at Interstate 29 where he met Tommy (aka: too hot for you babe) and Tommy’s cousin John Billy whom liked some beanie weenies and wore dapper dan and hair nets to keep his mullet in tip top shape for  the ladies.