Outhouse Diaries

Azalea had to have that metal plate in her head from when she was riding her bike too fast and the training wheels fell off and she had done ran smack dab into the side of the hay wagon uncle Festus was decorating for the Cornfield County Tobaccer Parade.

Boy was uncle Festus pissed, he worked so hard on painten those dried out corn cobs, gourds and tin foil stars not to mention how many tobaccer sticks he had to hot glue together to make the damned ol wagon. Festus was so pissed he done took off his shoe and went to bust Azalea’s ass, but he missed and smacked Azalea in the head with it instead and she really aint been quite right since. Now Azalea hates shoes AND uncle Festus.

Anyways Dreama, still sitten in her shit, still just a laughen trying to tell her husband, Howard III to go fetch her adult diaper out the back of the Vega and rinse it out with the water hose, done laughed so hard she spit out her chaw of tobaccer along with her dentures that fell right into her baccer spit cup. Well, Azalea had had enough. She knew there was better shit in store for her life than Dreama, Uncle Maynard Wayne Rosco and that useless Horace. She was gonna leave this town even if she had to patch them bicycle tires with Dreama’s denture glue and wrap a towel around the nanner seat so her hind end didn’t go numb and find her the life that she thought a farm girl like her deserved like marry a WWF wrestler so that he could throw her up against the wall ever now and then.

So, Azalea kissed her momma goodbye and told Horace, Dreama, and Uncle Maynard Wayne Rosco to kiss her ass goodbye cause she mighta been borned just plain white trash but Azalea was her name….and with that, she blew her kazoo one last time, hopped on her jacked up bike and left that town in the dust. Last anyone heard, Azalea has 6 chirren and married a mud wrestler named Buster who wrassles at County Fairs across the Country  and drives a Gremlin wagon and lives in the trailer park across from the County Dump Station.  Now she is living a that she’d always dreamed of.

Eat that Horace!

We done got us a special treat this week! It’s better ‘n indoor plummin’ at the cock-fites. Azalea done showed up and Possum got hur on ate-track-tape to interview her. You don’t wanna miss dis un.

Azalea Interview [ 17:37 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download (656)

After that bitch session that sounded more like “hell hath no fury like Azalea scorned” she wanted to eat up some shit so she decided to go to the family cookout and bring all her Tupperware so that she could pack that shit full of leftovers for dinner the next 3-5 days.

Horace was excited to go to because they were going to have lawn mower races and a piñata full of beef jerky and cottage cheese and all the PBR one man could ever dream of. Horace had been practicing up on his corn hole skills all winter long and he was hell bent on winning this year. He was gonna beat ol cousin Maynard Wayne Roscoe cuz he’s wun the last few corn hole matches and all the elders like him.

Horace was going to make a big announcement at the Family cookout that he was going to be the head Saniti-zation Engineer and he just knowed they would all be jealous of all the money he was gonna be making but first he had to figger out how they was gonna believe that knowing Azaelea was still riding that bike of hers ever day, so it was then he had an idea that he would ask his brothers cousins wife’s son, Cletus,  if he’d sell him that real nice Scooter that they advertise on the telle that the old folks use. He figured they could spray paint it up and add a side car to it or maybe use some bailin twine & tie one of them plaskit little tikes wagons behind it & let her drag that along behind her like she was something special.

So anyways Horace made his speech about being the top notch run to the shitter Engineer and  then he heard a familiar sound, at first it sounded like the old days when Azalea would blow her kazoo but it was the sweet sound of the ice cream truck ringing it’s bells. Horace lost all train of thought and took off runnin so fast his faded glory jeans fell to his knees making him stumble around like he does when he’s hit his limit on the PBR and he done fell face forward into cousin Maynard Wayne Roscoe’s plate of tater salad, creamed corn and hamhocks.

Next thing you know, Horace was out like the fat kid in a game of dodgeball. Soon as Azalea seen it happen, that metal plate in her head took to acting up and started making her right arm twitch so hard that she’d start slappen the hell out of herself and all the old folk got ta laughing so hard that Dreama which was 89 years old done shat herself good, watchen Azalea slap herself crazy. Azalea got a whiff of Dreama’s shat and swore something had done crawled up in there and died then she let out a string of cuss words that would make a convict blush and followed it up with some doing a few karate moves she learnt off the TV.