Outhouse Diaries

Crayg just knowed that TanNeyNey was going to throw a big ol ruckus so he laced all that moonshine with an ass load of Benadryl to soften the blow for TanNeyNey, that and so he it would knock her ass out and he could use the pressure washer to spray all that shit and blue dye off of her from the porto-shitter incident.

It weren’t long til TanNeyNey was sprawled out on that plaskit blow up couch just like a fat ass baby, droolin and farting and snoring like a pack of them Dung Beatles that rolled that Hyena manure in their wee little homesteads and ate it like a family buffet on Sunday afternoon. After TanNeyNey had done passed out Crayg had done seen him a vision of beauty with cotton candy flying all around her head like an angel, her name was Pralene and he noticed her when he was cutting fat ass TanNeyNey out the shitter with the swiss army knife.

Next thing ya know, Crayg was grinning like that time when he was a watchen the Flintstones sucken on one a them push-ups that his momma went and got down there at the Cricket Mall. Pralene had the richest family at the carnie they owned all them food trucks that sell exotic snacks like chocolate covered cheese balls, pickled raspberries, candied frog legs and their most popular is the groundhog balls, they make a killing on them babies.

On special occasions – holidays and such, Pralene’s family will get them a whole mess of Stinky Thigpen’s bar-b-que pickled pigs feet and put them in a combo with a pint of Mables homemade applebutter flavor ‘shine and with some sweet tater chips and some poor boy salad, and for desert she’ll boxem sum o that mayonnaise pie. After the porto-shitter incident the County Health inspector named Randal came and shut the carnie down due to the fact you can’t sell corndogs around piles of shit.

So, Pralene’s family had to pack up the family stationwagon, all the exotic food trailers and head to the WalMart cause they needed some fannie packs to hold the corn dog mix in cause you can’t just leave priceless shit like that laying around – you gotta hide it or the a fat kid called Williewoble will sneak in their stationwagon and take all the corndog sticks and all the special mixens and such. The big ole Carnie family had no idea what their next move would be so they went to seek advice from the smartest person in the family uncle Maynard Eugene Twixby. Uncle Maynard Eugene suggested they take off to Slicklizzard, Ala., cause he heard that they are in desperate need of car lots there, so it was then and there they decided to go to the junk yard to buys some cars and invest in bondo and duct tape and a couple thousand cans of spray paint from the dollar store.

Well after Crayg got his knife out of the mason jar and got a big ol gander at the shituation he noticed a little girl walking through the crap eating a roll of bologna and squirting hot sauce in her mouth so her mean ass brother Bubba John would have to run naked screaming “I love West Virginia” from the gate all the way to the shitters.

They done had made a bet bout who ever lost on eaten 26 corndogs would have to sleep with Tom John’s underpants and rotten socks. Well, when Bubba John got his ass handed to him in the corndog eatin contest and it came time for Bubba John to pay up, he took to running like a girl to his momma. So Momma decided a bet was a damn bet and she said he done lost fair and square so he is going to have to dig a hole for the new shitter coming from Mexico or go running thru the carnie crowd screaming ” I love West Virginia”. Betcha can’t guess which losing end of the stick ol Bubba John got dealt with?

Now, you’ll need to know, Momma was the bearded lady in the carnie and she wasn’t having them chirren messin with her wholesome reputation amongst the rest of the carnies and she knew they was 2 things carnies couldn’t live without: porta-shitters and hot grease. Meanwhile, while momma’s two chirren are holding the woodpile down like braying mules, TanNeyNey done come up out of the porta shitter with her arms a’ swingin ready to shank someone. She be pissed at Crayg cuz his little scout knife was such a pansy and didn’t help one bit. With shit and greased up toilet paper rolling down her arms and legs she ruint a perfectly good pair of go-go boots she done fount on special down at the salvation army thrift store just that day she went and bought some sweat bands to ware around her wrists. TanNeyNey was pissed!

She done took to running around in her shit stained go-go boots and was peeing in all the carnival tents because she didn’t get to finish her bizness in the porto-shitters. She was looking for that damn Mable cause there was hell to pay and Mable was gonna pay the piper one way or another! Now bout that time, Crayg figured he best break the news to TanNeyNey that Mabel done got got scaret and took her shit stained drawers and left town. So, Crayg took him a big ol swig of home brewed Apple Pie Moonshine which he hides behind his black and white 13 inch TV with those tin foil antennas and told TanNeyNey to set her ass down on the plaskit couch cause he had some news to tell her and it wasn’t gonna be purty….

But first he dug out a pack o’ unfiltered Camels and his special laced up leg shot glass that he ordered from The Christmas Story Outlet store and poured TanNeyNey a shot of shine to cure what was bout to be ailin’ her and hopefully cover up that porta-shitter smell.