Turns out the Dancin’ Outlaw won with his lucky dried pig balls and his real nice smellen wife named Ethel May that loved her some black mascara and hair so black it looked blue, she used shoe polish to touch up the roots when the funds got low and stayed at the Red Carpet Inn down yonder with such and such to work for money. She often stayed with a feller that was a Cross eyed Butcher & his cackling hen but her husband didn’t know otherwise, that butcher liked to crack that banjo of his while he would play the fettle , this really played a number on Ethel May cause she was a sucker for cross eyed men, she say it was mysterious how it looked like they eyes was trying to escape from their heads.
TanNeyNey and Mable realized after the restaurant was wheeled off that they would have to sell “Soiled Bloomers” and look for the nearest dump site. After they sold “Soiled Bloomers” they decided to take their experience and join the carnival and become travelin’ carnies and sleep with all the clowns under the mary-go-round. Mable was so happy to relive her whorish days she went to the Dollar General and bought every pair of Dixie Belle drawers she could get her hands on, along with some wax strips, shavers, scissors, Sure deodorant and some band aides to put over her nipples so they didn’t poke through her 1993 silk blouse she wore with her tight rolled jeans. Mable and TanNeyNey set up their brothel/shop in a carnie-issued camper, complete with rooster curtains and green shag carpet they figured they could get a lot of decent clients that only come for the fresh corn dogs and funnel cakes and if they were real lucky, they could sell some of those fancy deep fried oreos along with deep fried turkey legs, which were to die for people’d say. The only customers for awhile were the carnie operators and they paid Mable an TanNeyNey with ride tickets and foot rubs. Sometimes, they’d even get out the pumice stone and saw on Mable’s old dry heels in exchange for one of them deep fried twinkies. Mable felt so darn special walking around with smooth feet that she asked them to fix her “lawn” all nice and neat. One clown said that when he mows his lawn his deck looks bigger. Mable sensing a sexual innuendo got really excited with the love sweats and commenced to dancing around to the sounds of her favorite Polka music CD to get all fired up for Gerald Lee Dean about 5 trailers over. She danced so much that she felt like she got tongue punched in the fart box.
Mable found a way to make a quick buck by making novelty balloon dildo’s, she sold them to all the women that would come dragging their half -dead looking husbands with them to the carnival, on account of Mable figured they needed them one of those balloons pretty bad to lift their spirits up. TanNeyNey even learnt the men how to use beaded necklaces in a creative way when they women wouldn’t put out.
Mable and TanNeyNey immediately found the best the Bronx had to offer – a deluxe apartment in the sky (just like on the Jeffersons) and they opened up a business called “Soiled Bloomers” which was a potted plant outlet. They done pretty good except they wanted to open up a restaurant. So they just attached a camper to the side and opened up them a real nice restaurant called “McNasty’s Beans & Such” cause it sounded good with the Soiled Bloomers plant outlet. People came all over to have some of ther homemade chili beans with mamaws extry special ingredient (moonshine and a dash of nanner pepper juice). It was an instant hit!
People came from miles and miles around in their station wagons to get themselves an order or two of Jellied cows foot with sprinkles on it, all the chillren loved it. They also served McNoodle surprise which is what you ate when you got way too drunk because you had to eat that one strawberry at the bottom of the moonshine jar (ya people we have all been there a time or two).
On Saturday nights, they’d have live music – Hillbilly Moonshine and Crackers usually drew the best crowd on account of they could belt out some Johnny Cash like some of the songs, Papa’s Billy Goat, Bile Them Cabbage Down, I Tickeled Nancy, Whoope ‘em Up Clyde, Darlind Zelma Lee and their NO. 1 song of all times: Good ol Mother Tucker. That’s just listing a few.
When they’d come out on the floor to show their shat, women would throw their bloomers and their lunchlady bras up there on stage and let out cat calls and whistle as best they could through the 3 or 4 whole teeth they have. The only real problem with the whole establishment was the the shitters, or lack thereof. More like… outhouses at best. They didn’t even have doors – just old plastic shower curtains, heck they didn’t even have to flush because it was just a grungy toilet seat over a deep hole, and wipe; why hell no you just ran water down your back.
Sometimes they like to give away door prizes – Tupperware, Mury Kay, Avon – you know, big city prizes. The grand prize each week is usually a wall poster of the restaurant and plant lot with the signatures of Mable and TanNeyNey in their hot ping donut with sprinkles t-shirt. On real special occasions, they give away potted plant starters to the 10th customer that walks in the door. You just never know when TanNeyNey is gonna holler out “WHAT HAD YOU DONE WON!” and hand you a potted plant for being the 10th customer that day. That was one luck sumbitch I’d say. They have the best plants around and sweart by the billy goat that if you’d drop some cigarette ashes in the plant dirt that it would grow and extry inch or so.
Business was booming for TanNeyNey or so they thought til one night when some of the local rednecks decided to steal the restaurant – camper and all, so them rednecks just hooked that camper right up and took it on over to Boone County W. VA. These were direct orders from the Dancin’ Outlaw Jesco White who don’t like sloppy slimy eggs with is morning cup of ‘shine and his brisket. He allowed that he is gonna huff a bunch of gas and get to work with his sister Mamie and teach them women how to really make some eggs and pickled pigs feet and stuffed gizzard sausage so that way maybe men with a full set of teeth would be able to chew the fat off them pigs feet instead of sucking on it.
First he had to get him a big chaw of tobaccer and pull out his lucky dried up pig balls that he thought would bring him big luck. The pig balls were startin’ to deteriorate and smell of rotten ass but he still felt like they were gonna bring him some luck in the upcoming Bronx Trailer Trash Bar-B-Q contest and he’d finally beat out ol Stinky Thigpen for the title of Best Barbeque Pickled Pigs Feet cookers in the Bronx.