Outhouse Diaries

Now that Mable was back she was full of ideas for their new endevor, she had done seen on the you tube that you could wrap trout and other types of road kill in aluminum foil and cook them on the radiator so she allowed it was time to get out the sawed off shotgun and go out on a groundhawg hunt!

Mable done already knowed how to groundhawg hunt so she’s thinken this is going to be a sinch. Things were going good at D.A.C.D. until someone drove in with half of a car they had just done bought from Crayg – the other part fell off in the holler. Apparently superglue don’t hold too good on metal. Crayg was about to shit himself when Maynard came up with a plan: they was gonna take some of Mable’s groundhawg & skunk gravy that next morning and use that to piece that hunk o shit back together.

Mable liked to claim her groundhawg & skunk gravy was right up there with her homemade ‘shine when it came to cooking up a mess of shit to eat, but that gravy usually turnt out so thick TanNeyNey would hafta sneak in the kitchen when Mable weren’t lookin and throw some water on that gravy – just like they always did when company was comin’.

So the next morning when Mable cooked up her some fried Spam sammiches loaded with mayo and a quart of prune juice (to loosen up the good ol stoole) she commenced to gettin her ass in gear to make the gravy to try and piece the car together cause they’d be out about $30 big ones if they didn’t fix the car dumb ass Crayg tried to superglue so Mable took all four of her teeth out and tightened up her girdle and stirred that gravy like she was tryin to win a prize.

She allowed the sooner she got that gravy stirred up and that pack of gloutanneous hogs she calls family set down to eat, the sooner they’d get the hell on out of there. So they headed out the house and got down to the median where they had been sellin the hoopty cars and ripping folks off. When they got there Rafael from the city was there and told them that the median was city property and you just couldn’t sell shit from the median, they was beside themselves cause they knew them millions of dollars they was gonna make was comin to an end yet again. So, Maynard E. done got fired up pissed off and commenced to hollering about Slicklizzard, Ala could kiss his hairy red pimpled cottage cheese looking ass goodbye. They packed up all their carnie stuff tied all they cars to the carnie trailers with a rope and rode they asses out of Slicklizzard, Ala with their middle fingers a flyin. But they all still have that gleam in their eyes about their next business plan or it could have been where they smoked a bunch of pot before, who knows.

Crayg and TanNeyNey was beside themselves wantin to join Pralene’s new family adventure so Crayg tolt TanNeyNey to pack up all hers and Mable’s flamingo decorations and shit in the carnie trailer and hit the road, hoping to run into Mable at some point.

Praline’s family decided to name the car lot Dandy Ass Car Deals and let Uncle Maynard E. be their spokesperson. They thought he was best suited to represent the family and Dandy Ass Car Deals on the TV and such since he was the real looker in the family, seeing that he had flannel shirts without holes and two front teeth so that he could pernounce words right.

They were just starting on rebuilding their junk yard cars and didn’t have alot of material to work with, they allowed they would just use some AquaNet Hairspray and a lighter if suptin need to be welded and if that didn’t get the job done, they’d pull out a big ass roll of duct tape, scrunchies and jelly bracelets to keep the oil filter and stuff like that in place. Now if they be missin a seat in the junk car then they’d fix it up with an old lawn chair they had from the carnie and then duct tape a decorative pillow to it for that nice cushiony feel, that made it look like something out of a Martha Stewart catalog that had done been haggled over at 40-11 yard sales and Maynard E. felt real proud to get up on the TV and tell people to carry their asses on down to the D.A.C.D. lot and take them a test drive in the 1968 Chevy Chevelle with bedazzeled back seats and a bike tire hooked to the back with a clothes hanger just incase they were to pickup a fat ass chick on her way to Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Then he had a famous catch phrase right at the end of his commerical that said “hell folks come on down by 5:00 today and get a free bag of powdered donuts & a complimentary foot rub from cousin TanNeyNey & aunt Mable.” That Mable done seen that Maynard of hers on the TV set and found her way to Slicklizzard, Ala.

The day that Mable came to D.A.C.D and made up with TanNeyNey, Maynard gave free foot rubs to everyone that test drove one of em cars and actually came back alive.

Crayg just knowed that TanNeyNey was going to throw a big ol ruckus so he laced all that moonshine with an ass load of Benadryl to soften the blow for TanNeyNey, that and so he it would knock her ass out and he could use the pressure washer to spray all that shit and blue dye off of her from the porto-shitter incident.

It weren’t long til TanNeyNey was sprawled out on that plaskit blow up couch just like a fat ass baby, droolin and farting and snoring like a pack of them Dung Beatles that rolled that Hyena manure in their wee little homesteads and ate it like a family buffet on Sunday afternoon. After TanNeyNey had done passed out Crayg had done seen him a vision of beauty with cotton candy flying all around her head like an angel, her name was Pralene and he noticed her when he was cutting fat ass TanNeyNey out the shitter with the swiss army knife.

Next thing ya know, Crayg was grinning like that time when he was a watchen the Flintstones sucken on one a them push-ups that his momma went and got down there at the Cricket Mall. Pralene had the richest family at the carnie they owned all them food trucks that sell exotic snacks like chocolate covered cheese balls, pickled raspberries, candied frog legs and their most popular is the groundhog balls, they make a killing on them babies.

On special occasions – holidays and such, Pralene’s family will get them a whole mess of Stinky Thigpen’s bar-b-que pickled pigs feet and put them in a combo with a pint of Mables homemade applebutter flavor ‘shine and with some sweet tater chips and some poor boy salad, and for desert she’ll boxem sum o that mayonnaise pie. After the porto-shitter incident the County Health inspector named Randal came and shut the carnie down due to the fact you can’t sell corndogs around piles of shit.

So, Pralene’s family had to pack up the family stationwagon, all the exotic food trailers and head to the WalMart cause they needed some fannie packs to hold the corn dog mix in cause you can’t just leave priceless shit like that laying around – you gotta hide it or the a fat kid called Williewoble will sneak in their stationwagon and take all the corndog sticks and all the special mixens and such. The big ole Carnie family had no idea what their next move would be so they went to seek advice from the smartest person in the family uncle Maynard Eugene Twixby. Uncle Maynard Eugene suggested they take off to Slicklizzard, Ala., cause he heard that they are in desperate need of car lots there, so it was then and there they decided to go to the junk yard to buys some cars and invest in bondo and duct tape and a couple thousand cans of spray paint from the dollar store.